Through The Ropes it is..

I have decided on the title for my piece, Through The Ropes. This at least implies the right combination of containment, voyeurism etc. This would usually be the icing-on-the-cake moment, but the title is the only part of the piece that have any confidence about. I cannot seem to re-engage with the piece. In any of its various states. The show is looming and I fear  i may have to present a piece that I am not prepared to stand by. As i prepare more versions, time slips by, when time away from the piece maybe the best thing for me to gain back some clarity of vision, objectivity. But time is slpping by and decisions have to be made regarding the piece and its final look. Could this be the reason that only the last term of the MA is relevant toward our final mark? Seems a little cruel.  Falling at the last hurdle, decided on penalties and other sport-related metaphor……

Moments of lucidity

On reflection, i believe it was a good idea to focus on my action/participatory-research for the colloquium last week. I think it was the best way to portray the nub of my enquiry and to give a taste of how i have been going about my work. This i believe to have been cathartic following a period of negativity towards my work. 

Since presenting to the group and gaining the feedback about how to “improve” my piece, and therefore to better communicate my research, I have felt, and still feel, completely detached from the film. I have found it incredibly difficult to engage with it, or even watch it, let alone set about any changes or amendments. Yet that is what I have forced myself to do. I have now produced several new versions, all guided by the groups comments and have possibly arrived at a final piece. Unfortunately one that I dont feel in any way linked. I would very much like this all to be over as I am being stifled by feelings of disillusion and, ironically, intimidation. This is why I am glad i was able to present at the colloquium in the way that i did.

i do feel a responsibility to climb back up to the confident position I was in before this month, but at this late stage, i think it too late and somewhat impossible. I have an anger towards those in the position to judge, as i believe that position is being abused or at least wrongly interpreted. I am at risk of using this blog as a soap box to slag people off so I shall endeavour to keep that aspect out….

Chin down

The colloquium is here and I have prepared a docu-film to present tomorrow. I was planning on doing a live talk but didn’t want to after the recent presentation fiasco. I also figured that nobody else would do it live. So I have made my film and , through rigorous trial and error, provided a voice-over that just about explains my action-research. I was fairly pleased with the outcome, albeit with a few snags and glitches. That is until I sneaked a peak at the other submissions from my group. It woulkd appear that alot of time has been spent making some pretty slick vids, either that or the rest of the group are so far advanced with the technology. My piece now looks like the turd I was talking about giving a polish to in my prvious entry.
Confused again.

Keep your head when all around you…..

A surreal air has enveloped the college. It might just be me but the whole place seems to be in melt-down, and people (including me) are passively watching it happen. I tried to do a specific piece of work today and found that not a single computer i tried (a dozen or so) in the college was able to offer me use of the appropriate software although clearly housing it in the “dock”. Still trying to burn a “clean” DVD for fucks sake.
I feel I need to make extra effort to dissipate my frustrations for the remaining weeks as I envisage a heap of confrontations around every corner. Save it for the ring.
I am finding it extremely difficult to move on from the appalling presentation 2 weeks ago. I have requested a tutorial with Andy but it seems next week is the next available slot and this seems an age away when I am almost blinded by the quandry to the point of inertia.
I feel more and more inclined to just toe the line and get the course behind me, and at the same time feel I should in no way compromise the piece after having worked so hard to create it with integrity.
Am I a nightmare? Do I just moan about everything? I feel disliked by the group, or is that my own projection?
Usually I just wouldn’t give a shit.
I dont feel anything around me at the moment is in any way usual.